eSJayBee
09-07-2004, 12:27 AM
an essay I ran into while going through my English exercise book. it's a long read but funny, imo.
Sit Down and Shut Up or Don’t Sit by Me
Dennis Dermody
All right, I admit it: I’m a tad neurotic when it comes to making it to the movies on time. I have to be there at least half hour before the feature begins. Not that I’m worried about long lines at the box office, either. The movies I rush off to see are generally so sparsely attended you can hear crickets in the audience. It’s just the thing I do.
Of course, sitting for 30 minutes watching a theatre fill up is pretty boring, but through the years I’ve amused myself with a Margaret Mead-like study of the way people come in and take their seats and their antics during the movie. I felt I should share my impressions left you find yourself succumbing to these annoying traits.
…For some people, choose a seat takes a moral and philosophical implications. Sometimes, they stand in the middle of the aisle juggling coats, popcorn and Cokes, seemingly overwhelmed by the prospect of choice. Should I sit down front, or will that be too close? Is this too far back? That man seems awfully tall, I bet I couldn’t see the movie if I sat behind him. I’d love to sit somewhere in the middle but would I be too close to that group of teenagers shooting heroin in their necks? If I sit on this side, will the angle be too weird to watch the movie? Is that seat unoccupied because it’s broken? Good Lord, the lights are dimming and I haven’t made up my mind and now I won’t be able to see where I’m going,
Many, upon choosing their seats, find they are unsatisfied and have to move. I’ve watched many couples go from one spot to another more than a dozen times before settling down—it’s like watching a bird test different spots to build a nest.
As the lights begin to dim and the annoying theater-chain logo streaks across the screen, lo and behold, here comes the latecomers! Their eyes unaccustomed to the dark, in a panic they search for friends, for assistance, for a lonely seat. Just the other day, I watched an elderly woman come into the darkened theater 10 minutes after the movie had begin and say out loud, “I can’t see anything!” She then proceeded to inch her way down the aisle, grabbing onto what she thought were seats but were actually people’s heads. I saw her sit down right in the lap of someone who shrieked in shock. After the woman stumbled back into the aisle, chattering wildly, someone mercifully directed her to an empty sear. Then, after a great flourish of getting out of her bulky coat, she asked spirited of the grumbling souls around her, “What did I miss?”
I also must address the behavior of people during the movie. The chatterers comment blithely on everything that is happening on the screen, Like Tourette’s Syndrome sufferers unable to control what they blurt out, these people say anything that comes into their heads. “What a cute puppy,” they say when they spy an animal ambling off to the side of the frame. “I have that lamp at home,” they explain. And add, five minutes later, “But mine is red.”
The krinklers wander down the aisle with a million shopping bags and a wait for the key sequence, then begin forage in their bags for the perfect and most annoying plastic wrap, which they use to make noise with sadistic relish. You try to focus on the screen but the racket starts up again with a wild flourish. I’ve seen grown men leap to their feet with tears streaming down their face and scream, “Will you stop shaking that motherfucking bag!”
The unending box of popcorn people sit directly behind you and start masticating during the opening credits. It’s bad enough having the smell of cooked corn wafting around you, but the sound is enough to drive you mad. You tell yourself that eventually they’ll finish, but they never do. They keep chewing and chewing and chewing and you’re deathly afraid that next they’ll start on a four-pound box of malted milk balls.
So in summary: get to the movie theater early and scout for the territory. It’s a jungle in there, filled with a lot of really stupid animals. Know the telltale signs and act accordingly. And then sit down and shut up.
Sit Down and Shut Up or Don’t Sit by Me
Dennis Dermody
All right, I admit it: I’m a tad neurotic when it comes to making it to the movies on time. I have to be there at least half hour before the feature begins. Not that I’m worried about long lines at the box office, either. The movies I rush off to see are generally so sparsely attended you can hear crickets in the audience. It’s just the thing I do.
Of course, sitting for 30 minutes watching a theatre fill up is pretty boring, but through the years I’ve amused myself with a Margaret Mead-like study of the way people come in and take their seats and their antics during the movie. I felt I should share my impressions left you find yourself succumbing to these annoying traits.
…For some people, choose a seat takes a moral and philosophical implications. Sometimes, they stand in the middle of the aisle juggling coats, popcorn and Cokes, seemingly overwhelmed by the prospect of choice. Should I sit down front, or will that be too close? Is this too far back? That man seems awfully tall, I bet I couldn’t see the movie if I sat behind him. I’d love to sit somewhere in the middle but would I be too close to that group of teenagers shooting heroin in their necks? If I sit on this side, will the angle be too weird to watch the movie? Is that seat unoccupied because it’s broken? Good Lord, the lights are dimming and I haven’t made up my mind and now I won’t be able to see where I’m going,
Many, upon choosing their seats, find they are unsatisfied and have to move. I’ve watched many couples go from one spot to another more than a dozen times before settling down—it’s like watching a bird test different spots to build a nest.
As the lights begin to dim and the annoying theater-chain logo streaks across the screen, lo and behold, here comes the latecomers! Their eyes unaccustomed to the dark, in a panic they search for friends, for assistance, for a lonely seat. Just the other day, I watched an elderly woman come into the darkened theater 10 minutes after the movie had begin and say out loud, “I can’t see anything!” She then proceeded to inch her way down the aisle, grabbing onto what she thought were seats but were actually people’s heads. I saw her sit down right in the lap of someone who shrieked in shock. After the woman stumbled back into the aisle, chattering wildly, someone mercifully directed her to an empty sear. Then, after a great flourish of getting out of her bulky coat, she asked spirited of the grumbling souls around her, “What did I miss?”
I also must address the behavior of people during the movie. The chatterers comment blithely on everything that is happening on the screen, Like Tourette’s Syndrome sufferers unable to control what they blurt out, these people say anything that comes into their heads. “What a cute puppy,” they say when they spy an animal ambling off to the side of the frame. “I have that lamp at home,” they explain. And add, five minutes later, “But mine is red.”
The krinklers wander down the aisle with a million shopping bags and a wait for the key sequence, then begin forage in their bags for the perfect and most annoying plastic wrap, which they use to make noise with sadistic relish. You try to focus on the screen but the racket starts up again with a wild flourish. I’ve seen grown men leap to their feet with tears streaming down their face and scream, “Will you stop shaking that motherfucking bag!”
The unending box of popcorn people sit directly behind you and start masticating during the opening credits. It’s bad enough having the smell of cooked corn wafting around you, but the sound is enough to drive you mad. You tell yourself that eventually they’ll finish, but they never do. They keep chewing and chewing and chewing and you’re deathly afraid that next they’ll start on a four-pound box of malted milk balls.
So in summary: get to the movie theater early and scout for the territory. It’s a jungle in there, filled with a lot of really stupid animals. Know the telltale signs and act accordingly. And then sit down and shut up.